I ended 2014 by backing into a pole at the work parking lot and started 2015 not much better.  Looking back I remember saying when I found the parking spot “don’t forget about the pole” later.  Well, clearly as I was backing out and watching for traffic I forgot about the pole when I heard a crunch on the driver’s side door and watched the side mirror bent backward.  It was the smallest of inches that made the difference.  Knowing that this was an expensive fix, I sulked at home ringing out the old and hoping that toasting to the New Year would bring me better luck.  Sadly, that hasn’t happened. The bad stuff followed me into January with a downed cable line in the garden, a plumbing issue and then a water pipe leak. My house seemed to be turning on me.  In addition to a water leak, I was leaking money here, there and everywhere.  My nicely organized scheduled life was taking a detour as I had to wait for repair men (who didn’t show), talk to “customer service” folks and rely on contractors to fix the house. I was working late to make up for the time, missing the gym or too tired to do anything. It just seemed like one thing after another.  While my biggest worry for 2015 was having to get braces and the effect on my travel budget.  The worse was yet to come.

If you’ve followed the blog for a while now, you will notice that the past few weeks my posting has been off schedule and my beloved #FriFotos posts few and far between.  You will have read my longing for a travel do-over , like the Italian bus tour of pensioners as well as the advice to the college kids to go explore more – take travel time-out.  The past few months have been quite reflective.  You will also have read my feelings of travel doldrums.  All of this has been fueled by the incidents in the past few months but nothing prepared me to be shocked.

My job was eliminated, my life blown up and yes, I was surprised as were my friends and family.  After ten years as the VP of everything, I am suddenly in possession of the time to travel (the wrong way to get that much coveted sabbatical) but now worried about the funds to travel (I do have many points saved).  I’m having to figure out what to do with myself as I’ve been working non-stop since I was sixteen!  For many years I had one, two and even three jobs at a time (i.e. -full time job, weekend waitressing and mystery shopping all in the same week) to support my travels and life.  When I left the first job after twelve years on a Friday, I started my new job on the Monday – no breaks, no time to decompress and reflect on twelve years, I jumped into a new job and two weeks later jumped on a plane to London for training.  I’ve been on that hamster wheel for more than twenty years with a good life of predictable work, gym, eat, rinse, repeat schedule.  But I wonder how much of “me” has been suppressed by this routine, what parts of my life have I missed or made concessions over? I was pushed off the hamster wheel and out of the cage.  Now what?  I don’t have a plan (or a backup plan) for this situation.

Of course, I turned to eat my feelings for a bit (cheaper than therapy), I now had a very valid excuse, really who is going to argue with me that I can’t be sad and eat cookies (and all the desserts on my instagram feed)?  I was in mourning for the life I built – the career and travel.  Many have said “You’ll be ok”, others have said “Get a Job asap” and those who know me asked “When are you leaving?  and will you come back”.  I don’t know is all I can say – I don’t know if I’ll be ok but I hope you’re right, I don’t know if I’ll get a new job asap, let’s hope my dream job is out there and I don’t know if I’ll run away to Europe or Australia and if I’ll come back.  I just don’t know – my calendar is empty, the pages are empty.

Blank pages are ahead of me waiting to be filled with stories of triumphs and failures (hopefully more of the former and less of the latter). Scary pages to be written, to be lived, to be explored.  I’m now having to create my next chapter, build myself a new path and forge ahead on my own.  I haven’t been here for a very long time. It would be easy to curl up on the couch and feel sorry for myself but I now have the opportunity to find a job that excites me –  a company I believe in and work that will make me happier (hopefully with travel and many vacation days).  Yes, travel makes me happy but sadly doesn’t pay the mortgage or fund my 401k, both of which I really like.

So the hamster wheel has stopped and the adventure begins. Fingers crossed that this is a kick ass chapter in my life! The universe has given me the push to refocus my life and career, I kinda wish it had sent Prince Charming instead……