As I search for a cruise vacation for 2023, I’m reminded of a few things I hate about cruising as I compare itineraries, cruise lines and ships. So, this is the rant of someone who surprisingly loves to cruise solo and with friends/family.  I’ve sailed on multiple cruise lines such as Norwegian Transatlantic Cruise, Carnival, Disney family cruise, Princess Baltic Cruise, Holland America Cruise to Alaska from Seattle, Celebrity Edge AquaClass, and Royal Caribbean Repositioning to various cities/countries around the world over the past thirty years so the things I hate on cruises are based on my personal experiences. If you think my top five include tiny cabins, weak/expensive Wi-Fi, and shopping you’d be wrong. I’m excluding the dreaded single supplement for solo travelers as that will always be an issue that realistically isn’t going away or changing anytime soon.

Now I know if you are a passionate cruise person (are there any other kind of cruise traveler?), you may disagree with me but that’s the fun of having opinions and starting a dialogue.  Things I hate may be things you love or vice versa.  It’s what makes each cruise vacation so unique – every person has a different experience on the same product/sailing.  I know I love the Celebrity Edge series Infinite Balcony and that alone will cause hundreds of hate comments on a post as I’m in the minority of “love infinite balcony”.  While I understand that the things I hate about cruising are likely revenue generators, I just wish the cruise lines would take a different look at their options.

 

Cruise Art Auctions

On my first cruise over 30 years ago, my friend was drawn into the art auction with free champagne, so I joined her. At the time, I didn’t know much about art.  I “bid” and won a few art pieces thinking they were unique (spoiler alert: they weren’t) but months after leaving the cruise when my “art” finally arrived, I opened the boxes to find unframed poster art by Tarkay. A step up from the posters I use to staple to my GenX childhood bedroom wall but still paper posters not the framed art I had bid on. While I know art is subjective, I actually hate the “art” sold in the cruise ship art gallery so much so that my friends know to steer me clear of the gallery hallway because it bothers me so much (and they’d rather not hear my rants).

I’d much rather see the cruise lines showcase local artists from the port destinations or even offer the opportunity to purchase the art that appears in cabin, lines the hallways and is throughout the common areas of the ship.  Why can’t the cruise lines actually hold art seminars and teach folks about art rather than let guests buy replicas (in many cases) and prints?  Imagine the local artists in Alaska who paint, draw, photograph and craft unique pieces related to the glaciers, nature and animals?  Those would be much better souvenir in my opinion plus they support local communities.  It’s likely a lower revenue share for the cruise line but so much actual support for local artists and communities.

I was a dumb kid when I thought I was buying unique art only to find out it was unframed poster art that you can buy at your local art museums, art galleries and online.  Let my lesson help you to avoid the cruise ship art gallery and go explore and support local artisans in port. One of my favorite handmade and signed art pieces is from Ketchikan, Alaska.

Hate Selling on Cruises

I was in the sauna when a mother and her millennial daughter commented on how bad they felt about themselves after the wellness seminar.  This sales tactic, hate selling, really needs to be banished.   Everyone wants to feel good about themselves on vacation. Pointing out subjective “flaws” is not my idea of a vacation.  While having a seminar on meditation is wellness focused, it won’t generate any revenue so I know there needs to be a balance, but seriously can we stop the hate selling?

Cruise Ship Spa

You never realized how many things are wrong with your skin, face, teeth, body and hair until you attend a cruise ship spa free “wellness” seminar.  You’ll learn that you don’t walk right, your posture is off, your feet are flat and your face, once under the special computer x-ray, needs a lot of work. You’ll learn how to “lose weight”, “lose wrinkles’ and “look better” all for a special price during your cruise.  The rise of the “med spa” allows you to do Botox, teeth whitening, and cool sculpting allows you to do procedures away from friends/family at home.

Women have been judged by their looks and body size for decades.  We all have unique value, and I don’t see that celebrated by the cruise spas (or even in cruise media, ads and sponsorships but that’s a different conversation).

Note: The cruise spas are managed by just a handful of spa vendors, they are not managed or owned by the cruise line.

Fitness Center on Cruise Ships

I’m always targeted by the personal trainers based on my body size when I take the spa/fitness center tour and sign up for classes. I’m told I should step on the body fat scale, craft a personal training program, attend weight loss and detox sessions and talk about other programs and services offered (to be honest, it’s a bit offensive when they stop and pitch me but not my friend).  When I say “I go to the gym 5xs a week and their body fat scale tells me I’m fat so I’m all good. No need to pay $x for your scale to tell me the same thing”. They look at me funny as if I’m lying to avoid the pitch. Days later when they see me in class and complete the HIIT or bootcamp I want to say “told you so” but I don’t as it doesn’t solve the original problem of fat shaming, body bias, what is healthy, etc.   There has to be a better way to sell their services. I’m always shocked when a ship of 4,000 people generates two people for bootcamp class.

We need to make fitness more accessible and less judgmental.  Let’s talk about feeling better in our bodies and celebrating small wins along the way. One cruise fitness event I attended that was fun raised money for charity by walking around the outdoor deck.  Folks of all ages and sizes attended and they walked fast and slow.  Chatting with friends, meeting new friends and celebrating when each lap was completed.  Fitness was fun that day whether you completed one lap or twenty. The fact that the finish line was table of sweets made it even better.

Cruise Ship Desserts 

I have a sweet tooth and can find the best cookies/bakeries in the towns I visit.  On a cruise ship, you’d think I was in sugar paradise with all the desserts on offer 24/7 but sadly I keep being disappointed by so many pretty looking tasteless desserts.  I’m lactose intolerant so desserts are technically on my “don’t eat list” but taking Lactaid pills can help so I want to make the indulgence worth it.  So far, Princess has been the most consistent in good desserts, Celebrity has made dairy free desserts which have surprised me. The rest of the cruise lines are in the “your mileage may vary” category.  I say this because I’ve been fortunate to have amazing desserts around the world to judge desserts against.  There are a few safe bets on all cruise lines – chocolate mousse, lava cake and crème brulee.

Cruise Entertainment Productions

Many ships offer touring versions of popular Broadway shows and those are always fun. As are special appearances by solo musicians and singers in the various lounges.  As for the rest of the entertainment offerings, it’s really hit or miss. I usually find that the dancers are so talented and often stuck in these awful shows where they prance around the stage and appear dramatic rather than have the material to showcase the extent of their abilities. Imagine having to dance in heels on a moving vessel. The production singers are good enough, but I’ve still never seen a home-grown production on a cruise utilize the talent to produce memorable (in a good way) content and entertainment. So much potential and lost opportunity in my opinion.

 

Cruise Activities Haven’t Changed

I do love a pub quiz as much as the next person (and have won a few) but that can’t be the only activity to participate in.  The cruise lines need to bring in activities for multiple generations sailing. I have old cruise activities sheets and see the same type of offerings from five, ten, twenty years ago. The activities staff are young and full of energy and yet the activities seem to be the exact opposite.  If the cruise lines are keen to bring in the next generation, then the activities need to keep up and where possible offered for free. Silent Disco is a start. What about a scavenger hunt? Restaurant or Pub Crawls? Interactive, multi-day activities on sea days to keep folks excited to win prizes.  Behind the scenes tours to see “how it works”.  I don’t know what it takes to get activities approved on cruise ships, but I’ve seen cruise critic rollcalls create many unique experiences that I’ve participated in that would likely be popular with the general public.

The Cruise Vacation

The cruise industry has so much to offer the traveler from small ships with 40 passengers to the mega-ships with 6,000 passengers so they need to cater to areas where they can earn the most revenue while serving their customers. Believe me as an Accountant, I get it – maximize revenue.  But can we try a few new things, focus on the positive and also support local communities and artists?   I’ll never see the single supplement go away (I need to be realistic) but can we look to shake up a few things on cruises in 2023?